malnourished mind

recently completed inpatient treatment; ready to fight anorexia on my own

what the world thinks eating disorders are :

simply not eating, or eating then throwing up your food.

what pro ana/mia's think eating disorders are like :

Following da thin commandments!!!!! embracing ana, it's just a lifestyle, cake or collarbones????

what eating disorders are actually like :

extreme self hatred, thinking about food 24/7, battling whether to eat for hours on end, sleepless nights, eating so much that your skin expands, failure, pooping to the point where your rear is raw, paranoia, isolation, bingeing purging, bingeing purging, throwing up so much that your nuckles are raw and bleeding, exercising and your whole body aches, shaking, being cold all the time, body aches, bloating, lying to everyone, constantly hungry and constantly denying everything good, crying at your reflection, and hating every inch of yourself.

THIS.

we’re having pizza for dinner in IOP tonight. ugh.

sometimes i really hate how much effort recovery takes. can’t i just be normal yet?

I will not let what I ate yesterday effect how I eat today. I will not let what I ate yesterday effect how I eat today. I will not let what I ate yesterday effect how I eat today.

Okay so I don’t remember posting that last night AT ALL. But oh, do I remember the pizza. Yes.

currently: drunk and eating pizza.

do i give a fuck about you, anorexia? HELL NO.

so i didn’t bring my scale to school with me, which i know was the right decision, but i’m going crazy not knowing what i weigh. supposedly normal people don’t weigh themselves three times a day….?

all of the positive recovery posts/blogs on tumblr really do encourage me when i’m in a rough spot, and i know what i need to do in order to push through the urges and negative feelings. but at the end of the day, everything i like about my personality and my character just doesn’t overpower how much i hate my body. thankfully i’m starting IOP next week..

then and now

Leaving to go back to school Tuesday. Back to the environment that almost killed me - where my eating disorder thrived. I’m terrified. Every day must be a conscious effort to stay positive. I love school so much, but I’m really REALLY good at overworking myself and “forgetting” to eat. My best friend will be studying abroad so I really have to try to create a social life for myself. Hopefully I’ll meet some great people in my new outpatient treatment. Anyways, IM SO SCARED.

swiftalltheway asked: Happy birthday beautiful! <3 Don't let ED control you if you can (and I KNOW you can) and have some yummy birthday cake! : )

thank you!!! and oh, i will MOST DEFINITELY be having cake! :)

Today’s my birthday. I made it.

why must i hate myself so much for spending just ONE day doing absolutely nothing. 

my sister got engaged this past weekend and asked me to be her maid of honor today! i’m so excited. this makes me even more thankful for recovery. if i was still sick, i wouldn’t be able to enjoy the wedding, dress shopping, cake tasting (!!!!), etc. hell, if i was still wrapped up in my eating disorder, who knows if i’d even be alive long enough to make it to the wedding.

I was restricting for a couple weeks so I have a little bit of weight to gain back. Taking advantage of this opportunity and going drinking :)